and the dramatic visions of suicide return with a vengeance


this past week has been hell. and when i say hell, it may, in fact, be up there in the top 5 bad weeks of my life. it is supposedly over and i am not going to complain about it anymore than i already have to anyone within hearing range.

i will, rather, detail where i am at right now for anyone who might be worried. the pneumonia seems to be getting better. i am having fewer coughing fits, however, they are actually more intense. i took a box to the cracked rib yesterday when helping Mark move in the stove/oven that the film crew did not move back into our house. I need to go grocery shopping because a large portion of the food i had intended to consume this week-end disappeared during the shoot. The floors will still all need to be washed after the fridges are switched. It snowed here last night, so this is going to be fun…ugh. i have two papers to write, neither of which are started and both are due ASAP. I only have a Latin quiz tomorrow morning and translations to do.

I hadn’t felt this … unconnected and ineffective … in a while. My reaction to these situations is not the best it could be (as the title explains). I am trying to get back on track. Not focus on all the other moments that have made me feel like this. Not focus on past failures. It’s hard. I’ve spent the better part of the week trying to sleep, but not being able to because of a combination of noise in the house, anger, pain and coughing. Lying in bed long enough i start to replay some of the favourite moments of my life… unfortunately, when already upset i lack the ability to get anything but sadness out of them.

Breathe deep… oh wait, fuck, that hurts. Breathe shallow…

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