on suicide

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i begin this post with a discretionary statement: i am not about to kill myself. that said, i would like to talk about one of the side-effects of believing in neither a greater purpose nor an afterlife.

at least three times a week, i find myself thinking “why do i put up with this shit?” Why do i put up with the dreariness of my job, the long-term investment my chosen career-path requires, the incessant budgetting i subject myself to and the lying alone at night trying to remember what it was like to fall asleep with strong, heavy arms around me? unfortunately, when you truly no longer believe in God, or some innate organizing principle in the universe, but rather spontaneous production of life and a four-dimensional universe, the answer is always – because i permit it. the next step to that train of thought is – why don’t i end it?

i know why i don’t throw in the towel in those moments. for the very same reasons that i stayed in a long-term relationship that was going nowhere for over 3 years after i had been subjected to watching the other person’s downfall into oblivion – because i do not let others down. as a defining characteristic of my personality, i would provide “being where i say i will be when i say i will be.” any sort of meaningful relationship implies that you will be there when the person needs you. i only really know of letting one person down in circumstances of consequence, and i’ve lamented my inconsiderateness in great detail during previous posts (aside: i think the end of my own relationship coincided with that time, but i didn’t know that’s why i was acting like such a cad at the time, so i am skeptical of my excuses for myself. too much cognitive dissonance is possible from this scenario for me to accept any reasoning that makes me feel less guilty). i will not let my loved ones down. i cannot imagine something that would make them feel worse than to think them think i killed myself because they let me down by – even if my throwing it in was simply an expression of my entire disgust with this “life” thing that goes nowhere and will inevitably be downhill.

if this is the best time of my life – what is there in the future? yet, the relationships that tie me to this existence continue to grow and i become more and more caught in a web of people whom depend on me and do their best to let me depend on them. the end is not in sight. i worry that when it gets REALLY bad, i will no longer be able to focus on the triviality of the problem – to live or not to live.

like i said, i am not about to kill myself. i may be morbid at times (like right now), but generally i am enjoying myself, setting goals and attempting to get something out of it, but in the end, i know, in my heart, that all i will have is memories, and in death not even those. if what we are creating doesn’t go with us when we leave the realm of existence, why do we create?

i posit because the process of creating brings pleasure…and pain; we are all masochists.

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4 thoughts on “on suicide

  1. Someone once gave me some words of wisdom with respect to suicide: “It’s a permanent solution to temporary problems.”

    Haven’t forgotten it since. Not that I’ve contemplated suicide, but it’s good to know.

  2. Suicide couldn’t be a permanent solution. Permanent solutions don’t cause alternative problems. Suicide is a selfish solution, because only the person who got to make a decision will never experience repercussions.
    Here’s an interesting thought: most people who think about suicide, don’t kill themselves. Not that I’m daring you or anything, but commending you on the strength to discuss it rationally.

  3. it is an interesting post, here.
    a couple of years ago, my boyfriend lost a good friend of his. He killed himself, and even after all these years, we still don,t know exactly why. He never talked to us about his problems, and we couldn’t imagine what really caused it, what triggered the suicide…I remeber the last time I saw the guy (actually, I was the last ever of us to see him the day before…), and he did not show the despair, the distress, the call for help…nothing. Or maybe I just didn’t see it.
    Suicide is considered (at least in my family and friends) a general taboo. The only time I really can discuss it is with my boyfriend and his friends. We all suffered greatly from the loss, and it was sad to see that we never expected this to happen to one of us. I’m still musing about the reasons why the guy did it: was it that desparated about his futur, ou the futur of society or life in general? did he had a major issue about himself (being abusedm being homosexual, being a drug addict, or I don’t know whatever other thing he must had thought of…)? Even after all these years, I still question myself.
    That’s also the event that made me realized that… I can’t kill myself, not now and not in the futur. I just saw the destructiong around his family and his friends, what it caused, the loss, the hole…It happened to make me question myself: would I be courageous to do what he just did? would I do it? why would I do if if ever? what could trigger this desperate act? why should I not conetmporate it, and what would make me go my way, still trying to fight and live my life? A suicide may be a permanent, or temporary, solution to the problems, or be cowardise to be strong to live your problems…but I also find the people doing this courageous: courageous to commit what I consider like the ultimate act against life, courageous to kill themselves. It takes some guts to actually succeed in killing yourself. I find this thought morbid, but I can’t help admiring those who did it. Just before telling myself that they are coward for not being able to fight their problems and live their life.

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