i begin this post with a discretionary statement: i am not about to kill myself. that said, i would like to talk about one of the side-effects of believing in neither a greater purpose nor an afterlife.
at least three times a week, i find myself thinking “why do i put up with this shit?” Why do i put up with the dreariness of my job, the long-term investment my chosen career-path requires, the incessant budgetting i subject myself to and the lying alone at night trying to remember what it was like to fall asleep with strong, heavy arms around me? unfortunately, when you truly no longer believe in God, or some innate organizing principle in the universe, but rather spontaneous production of life and a four-dimensional universe, the answer is always – because i permit it. the next step to that train of thought is – why don’t i end it?
i know why i don’t throw in the towel in those moments. for the very same reasons that i stayed in a long-term relationship that was going nowhere for over 3 years after i had been subjected to watching the other person’s downfall into oblivion – because i do not let others down. as a defining characteristic of my personality, i would provide “being where i say i will be when i say i will be.” any sort of meaningful relationship implies that you will be there when the person needs you. i only really know of letting one person down in circumstances of consequence, and i’ve lamented my inconsiderateness in great detail during previous posts (aside: i think the end of my own relationship coincided with that time, but i didn’t know that’s why i was acting like such a cad at the time, so i am skeptical of my excuses for myself. too much cognitive dissonance is possible from this scenario for me to accept any reasoning that makes me feel less guilty). i will not let my loved ones down. i cannot imagine something that would make them feel worse than to think them think i killed myself because they let me down by – even if my throwing it in was simply an expression of my entire disgust with this “life” thing that goes nowhere and will inevitably be downhill.
if this is the best time of my life – what is there in the future? yet, the relationships that tie me to this existence continue to grow and i become more and more caught in a web of people whom depend on me and do their best to let me depend on them. the end is not in sight. i worry that when it gets REALLY bad, i will no longer be able to focus on the triviality of the problem – to live or not to live.
like i said, i am not about to kill myself. i may be morbid at times (like right now), but generally i am enjoying myself, setting goals and attempting to get something out of it, but in the end, i know, in my heart, that all i will have is memories, and in death not even those. if what we are creating doesn’t go with us when we leave the realm of existence, why do we create?
i posit because the process of creating brings pleasure…and pain; we are all masochists.